The Day After : 1894-95 : Edvard Munch
I have found what it says about facing many trials and patient endurance in the Bible to be true. Since I was branded a threat to national security after my time spent in the Harvard spotlight, my life has been one trial after another. But now that I have been branded, by many hospitalizations, as insane, I am free to do and say what I feel. For no one will believe me.
Or will they?
‘Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.’
I have been called many things – most of which are true. And some of which are so vile I have yet to hear. Angel, bitch, child, wild-eyed, love, crazy, rancid, darling, diva, thief, pig, booger brains, muse… I have been given many names. Mariah, Helen, Molly, Medusa, Evangeline… And my true name has been used as curse against me. Literally. ‘All day long my enemies taunt me; those who rail against me use my name as a curse.’ And so I endure and bless. Endure and bless. Endure and bless and rest. And do it some more.
All the while growing stronger.
Being labelled as crazy goes as far back as the Bible itself. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians, ‘If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.’
If I am out of my mind, it is from a desire to have others live in the light I have been shown. To find the peace I have found, despite my persecutions, to live in the eye of the storm, so to speak. To help make sense of this lost world.
Or maybe I write to fend off my loneliness. To imagine this is reaching someone who is not already dead inside. That my words should not fall on deaf ears.
I would love some sign that someone is being reached. Some interaction with my readers, if there be any. Send me a comment, a commentary, help spur my next entry. I am growing dry on ideas by myself. I would love for this dialogue to become more interactive.
This is a call to the outside world! Are you there? It’s me, Crystal. Crystal Fulbright.