Well, I quit training school for Bambi yesterday. I just couldn’t do it. I hated school even for myself so why would I voluntarily sit there, miserable, when I didn’t absolutely have to? Bambi is not a great dog, but he is my dog. And we are making progress, just not as fast as I would like.

He’s sitting by my side as I type this, so it can’t be all bad. My main thing is that he doesn’t come when called and couldn’t care less about treats… How am I to entice him? Watching YouTube videos on the subject made me realize I am far from a disciplinarian. These trainer men are so efficient and stern. I admire those qualities because I lack them. If I ever were to become a single mother (and I pray not), I would seek a positive male influence for my child. I am not a father and a mother rolled into one. I am all mother.

What is a positive male influence anyway? I’ve only known one and I kept him at a distance before I knew how to love. Are they really so few and far between? Most of these men I greatly admire were great artists, but were they great fathers? I know my work immerses me, so I cannot imagine children at this point. I’m sure they learned balance. Michael I know was a doting, loving father – after a lifetime of learning how to balance the work with his private life. Or, rather, desperately needing a private life away from the work.

I’m also realizing that most of these women did not even have children. Be it they gave them up for adoption or were prevented from having any due to injuries. I know I will have a child. But, in the meantime, I have my companion, Bambi.

Every artist needs a companion. A little slice of reality to keep you grounded in the midst of the whirlwind of creating. At least, that’s how I feel. But then I am still learning HOW to feel, as a child would. I hope to someday make my profession out of being a professional feeler. That’s what true artists are – professional feelers.

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