As I mentioned before, I was granted patronage through the US government and received a lump sum to live off for a time. That time is growing short, and so I ask myself, “Where did all that money go?” To be sure, I made rent for several months, bought food without government assistance, paid for major repairs and gas for my 17 year old car… I can be practical.
I also bought a bass rig, a canary, an electric ukulele (coming sometime in March, I hope), records… toys. I blew through my money as any child would. On the bare necessities and toys. No big surprise. But what does surprise me is how all of these toys do not make me any happier.
When Chiqui sings in the morning it does lift my heart, but then I feel the pang of knowing most do not have such a beautiful serenade in the morning. I have no one to share it with. So I am not happier. I wish I were, then I might be able to spread my joy rather than my existential guilt.
These toys can only make me happier if I can share them with someone with whom they would bring joy. The same way Michael shared Neverland. What good is being blessed if you have no one to share in it? It is only a reminder of my loneliness.
I would leave all this in a second, if it meant sharing what I was put here to share.
‘For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.’ I do not love money, I love making others happy. If money can afford me the ability to do that, then I will use it. It is a powerful tool, not a means to fulfillment. I will keep that in mind as the future draws near.
To be clear, I never went to Boston for the money. Though I did think I needed someone to care for me. Boy, was I wrong about that. I went because I thought that is where one goes to make a difference. To the top of Earth mountain. Earth mountain was not high enough, alas, it was merely… earth. So, now I am here, in the belly-valley of the beast, still not making a difference, but also not allowing the earth to influence me. ‘If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you!’
When I do come into real, hard-earned, well-deserved money, I will use it to live humbly and influence the world. Power by influence holds much more interest to me than mere money. Any idiot can get rich, it’s not hard if you have no soul or standards. It’s what this world is built on. Maybe I have even made you rich, dear shadow reader. ‘Poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.’ If so, you’re welcome. Pour one out for me when you take your nice vacation.
If you have power come out and say so, why the slithering and pretending? This cowering is unhealthy for the awake and asleep alike. How did it ever come to be this way? Don’t you want to be acknowledged as powerful? I sure do. For his sake, not mine. But who am I? I cannot change anything. Carry on, sad, sad world. ‘Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy.’ And we shall see how this story ends.