I am tired of this society. Of these scientists and psychiatrists who sit in a room every year and intellectualize emotional behavior and give it names and medications And then publish it, under the name of science, and call it the DSM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Sounds fancy. These men are the crux of our collective neurosis and they should be stopped. The entire field of psychiatry needs to take a sabbatical and figure themselves out.
I am tired of science being revered as if it were the gospel truth, in fact. Not that science has not done some miraculous things! But science, just like the arts, is filled with as much rubbish as any other manmade thing. And man is almost fully made of rubbish. We are dust, remember. ‘From dust you are and to dust you will return.’
And I am speaking from experience. I have been inside the system. For a long while I bought into it, just like every other unsuspecting citizen who thought society was on their side would do. I talked with therapists, went to hospitals, took prescribed medications, met with doctors. And I did indeed lose my mind, I have no qualms about that. But this field did not address the real impetus of my downfall – my broken heart.
I think all of our collective hearts are broken and this evil big pharma corporate mechanism just wants to cash in on our misfortune. They don’t really want to see us happy and healthy and thriving. They want us to take an expensive pill, have expensive conversations biweekly and remain lost but feeling as if you are doing the right thing. It is the devil’s work. I see you, Satan.
So, I have become my own therapist. Abstaining from drunkenness, sexual immorality, anything that seems wicked or unhealthy for my soul. I have turned to the gospel, art, long walks, the library, nature, my animals, working with my hands, this open journal – anything that seems healthy. I think I am healthier but I am much lonelier. Almost everyone I know loves the darkness. What’s a lady of the light to do?
I am, most importantly, allowing myself to feel. I was once fascinated with Vulcans, from
Star Trek. They were purely logical creatures, no emotions to cloud their judgement. It took psychotic breaks and insanity to push my mind aside enough to realize, I am no Vulcan.
Quite the opposite, I am water. Vulcans are land – dry, stationary, grounded, and I am water – fluid, malleable, constantly changing states.
‘“If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” Yes, I am living water. Learning to ride my emotional waves as they arise. And I will learn and soon master the art of my emotions. And hopefully, put them to song, as a Canarian Woman is wont to do.