“There is no such thing as ‘too insane’ unless others turn up dead due to your actions.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
I spoke of becoming ‘Famous in the Dark’ on my Facebook page recently. What I mean is, I have been through hell and back – lots of hospitalizations, emotional upheavals, surreal experiences, losses – lots of darkness – and I feel the rumors have been spread like wildfire in this tiny Austin music community. But no one wants to admit they know about me before they’ve met me, so I thus became Famous in the Dark.
Rumors are just that. The chatterings of idle minds when something novel or threatening should appear. And I am both novel and threatening. But rumors are not always facts, even if published by any willy-nilly journalist on the internet. Even if published by a well-known source. Everyone has an agenda of control. There’s a lot of lies being spread both about me personally and about our situation at large. Guard your heart from all this negativity. Don’t waste your energy on these charades. Focus on your immediate neighbors, your loved ones. Forget the malarkey on your feeds. Forget the staged marches. There are powers that be that are too great for us little people to over power. We have power over ourselves, however. ‘Be men of courage. Be strong. Do everything in love.’
I do try and do everything in love, even when met with scorn. But this being known as ‘an insane woman’ has an effect on me. I was sick, but I am better. And I hope to not slip again. I want to make a fresh start with this newfound strength that only going through hell could afford me, but people are, I feel, judgemental and afraid. So, I try and ‘prove my sanity’ and that is enough to drive the saniest person mad.
I found myself asking myself, “How would a sane person stand?” And changing standing positions accordingly in front of a group of artists I was hoping to befriend. Thus, I probably looked insane. Shit. I can’t win.
So, I have gone the other extreme. Now I do what I want and say, “Fuck it, I’m crazy!” This I feel is a much healthier way to cope. And maybe by being liberated in this way I can allow others to feel liberated around me. That would be my ideal.
“Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence– whether much that is glorious– whether all that is profound– does not spring from disease of thought– from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
If I have been compelled to carve out my lifestyle to make art at the expense of my life, it would make sense that my emotions would carve out a space for themselves at the expense of my intellect.
I am new to experiencing my emotions. Part of the onset of my mental illness was my mind suppressing my heart, so I am like a newborn in that way. I will learn as I experience. So much to learn both personally and professionally. Thank you, Father, for this schooling called life. Where everything is meaningless and everyone means the world.